who am i?

22:15 2006/09/23

who am i?
here are some of the labels i have used to identify myself: i am a human, i am an african, i am a south african, i am a muslim, i am a coloured, i am an indian, i am black, i am a man, i am a hip-hop head, i am creative, i am different, i am a rebel, i am a revolutionary, i am deep, i am concious, i am unique, i am a poet, i am whatever you say i am, i am all of these things and none of them at the same time.

we all have our own truths and they change with the circumstances we find ourselve in at any given moment.

i am




since about a month before my 24th birthday (4yrs ago, July 2002) i started having issue with my age. more specifically, issues about personal achievments related to my age. i have come to realise that those age linked goals have never been my own. they were dictated to me, subliminally, by a society that is preoccupied with material wealth and secular success. two ideals i haven't really sought to achieve, believing instead in the mastering of my core values; taught to me by my parents and extended family; and ensuring i go about my life and work living by those values.

another big issue for me has been the question of identity. around the time that i was in standard 8 (i.e. gade 10), i really got into hip-hop and with that came a whole new world of information and awareness that i just had to attack with the full force of my youthfully naive vigor. i became concious of the fact that i am black, that i am an africa, that i am among the 5% of the population who know the truth and are using it for the greater good. i became a rebel, a revolutionary! i was going to break shit down to the masses so they too could be mentally free from the bullshit we have been fed for years.
my boys warned against this, spitting the famous " you can't toss pearls to swine" quote. saying that only those hwo have proved themselves true could get access to the knowledge we possessed. and even then, they would only get it in small doses, meaning that once they were approved to get the info they had to prove their understanding of it before receiving the next level of knowledge.
as i said i was a rebel, a revolutionary, i wanted to spread the truth far and wide and as soon as possible. i wanted to free the minds of my people. i wanted to cut through all the bullshit of having to prove yourself worthy of the truth because i felt that everybody was worthy already. what made them worthy? the fact that they were ignorant.(i'm not sure that it made sence to them[my boys], or that it makes sence to you but to me the people most worthy don't know that they are worthy. all they know is the effects of their ignorants and not that they are ignorant and being suppressed because of it.)
i learned the hard way that the rewards for tossing pearls to swine came with a hefty price tag. people do not approve of being told that they are walking around deaf, dumb and blind. they do not want to hear that they are being used. they do not want to know, because ignorance is bliss (one of my earliest lessons come back to bite me in the arse). you see the minute you recognise the truth you have to act on it. it is a law of the universe that your soul must obey, but that your mind fights against, hence the rejection of the truth. we are taught to think logically and rationally, and that emotions and other things we cannot see are not real. they do not affect us.
so there i was, on a rather warm saturday morning, it was around 11:30 am. sitting in a classroom with other students and we were not up for the pepared lesson from our english tutor. Instead i suggested that we have a debate. the class was very eager and neadless to say i was fuelled and ready to go. the debate was heated, i was blowing my top and spitting truths with the ferociousness of a venomous snake on the attack. it was me against the rest of the class. actually to be more accurate it was me against the two factions the class had broken into. at the end of that class (around 12h30) during break i sat with two classmates and came to the realisation that in the space of an hour i had become mr. black conciousness, the devil, an atheist, the outcast and the wannabe. they did not understand me, they could not accept the truths i was spitting, so they labbled me. those people were not my peers, we were not on the same level.

22h39 2006/09/23

Acknowledgements

too often in our lives we forget to acknowledge and thank the people and forces that shape us, make us, build us and even those that beak us. we always end up wanting to say thank you when it is too late. we fail to realise that there is no other time, there is only now.

so here is my constantly growing list:


to the is, for being

to those who taught me that giving is better than receiving, thus shaping a keystone of my belief system, my parents

to my sisters, for being so protective over me, it taught me that i am valuable

to my brothers, for guiding me through my experiences, it taught me to be my own man

to my aunts and uncle, for being pillars of wisdom

to joe, for being a positive role model with great character and real life mistakes and lessons

to lorraine, for all the love,support and encouragement, you inspired me to do something with my life

to rashid, for being a spiritual beacon and soundboard

to my cousins, for keeping it real at all times

to my nieces and nephews, may you learn life's lessons with humility and accept the wisdom that comes with them

to my god children, you keep me honest in everything i do

to denise,for helping me grow and share who i am, for believing in the possiblility of who i can be

to the word, for finding me and reminding me of my purpose

another poem by Ayob Vania (C) 22h09 2006/09/22


Please come back to the list for regular updates. (who knows you might be onit next time)

PEACE

A thought!!!

What is it all really worth? Why are we constantly hustling and sacrificing and juggling in order to make time in our lives for what it is we claim to love doing...Someone recently told me hat if it was meant to be in wouldn't be so difficult to make time and you wouldn't need to sacrifice or juggle any of the other things in your life that you enjoy.

Over the past few months i have come to realise that i am blessed in the highest degree. My life is much richer and fuller for being part of a community of writers and friends and interlectuals who not only support me but who also constanly challenge my thinking and actions and most inmportantly encourage me to do better.

My mentor is constantly on my case about my irregular writing habits, encouraging me to write more often and at times even blackmailing me to write, by threatening to exclude me from events and excursions that will build my performance profile and at the same time enhance my writing. A case inpoint was a trip to Lesotho at the end of September 2006, an experience of a lifetime for me as well as a chance to spend time with some of the most brilliant, promising writers of our time.

The group included Napo Masheane, Kojo Baffoe, Myesha Jenkins, Kabomo Vilekazi, Lebo Mashile, Estelle Baffoe (Kojo's wife) and myself. I also got to spend time amd interact with Dr. Frank Baffoe (kojo's Dad) who last year at the launch of Kojo's books - Voices In My Head & And They Say Black Men Don't Write Love Poetry... - delivered the keynote address and put on the shoulders of the young writers there, the responsibility of taking up our place in this world and making a positive contribution to our societies.

Last year i was also offered the opportunity to Edit a Hip-Hop website (www.harambeafrica.com) that i couldn't turn down.

This is one of the experiences in my life that has opened me up to so many different realities and ways of living and expression.

Here is something i wrote a while ago,

AFTER MIDNIGHT

in the heart of the night
whilste the world is in repose
and sleep shuns me
i play...

leering through the seams
of this nocturnal occurance
i am witness to a different realm as
i play write...

my soul dances to the
soundtrack of this nightly purgatory
channeling visions to those lost in slumber
i playwrite dreams...

(C) Ayob Vania
18th October 2005
01h07am

black, white and the GREYS in between...

Where to start? i haven't really been feeling like sharing anything for a while and honestly i still don't. However i have bee told that talking and sharing your feelings/experiences not only helps you but also your fellow man, so here i am about to share...i guess!!!

i currently find my self lost in a world of black, white and the greys. I have come to realize that more often than not life is actually some shade of grey as opposed to being either black or white.(hence the picture in greyscale and text in shades of grey)

i find myself reflecting on my 27 years on this earth, the contributions i have made and the successes i have achieved, quite honestly i feel that i have not contributed or achieved enough if anything at all!!! That is why i haven't felt like really sharing anything with the world.

i guess this a as good a time as any to drop a poem up in here:

i went to bed high last night
and i rose to find
that i had written these rhymes
that defines who i am
see i am not the son of sam
nor the son of man
i am a SON-of-the-SUN-and-the-MOON
i am a brother to the earth
and i died my first death at birth...